I am a pretty healthy person, on a scale of one to ten, ten being perfect, I would give myself a 7.5 maybe even an 8 for my mental/emotional stability  and about a 6.5 for my physical health (though with my new healthy lifestyle that number is getting larger every day.) However, these are my numbers as a single person and this is why I like being single, because my numbers tend to improve. However, I don’t know why, but every time I get into a relationship both those numbers gradually start to dip. The last long term relationship I was in, which was almost three years ago, by the time we broke up I was a 4 mentally and a 2 physically. So, basically I was a super chubby girl who cried a lot and had control and jealousy issues. Bottom line I was a hot mess.

About a year ago, I finally decided to try the boyfriend/girlfriend thing again. About two or three months in, I felt my numbers slipping at a faster pace than ever before, so I got out.

So now here I am, single, pretty much getting more awesome by the minute, but living with the fear that someone might eventually want to date me, which they will, especially if my numbers keep  increasing.

People have suggested that I should read self-help-books on how to find love “the right way,”  but I sort  of feel that nothing except reality prepares you for reality. I have talked to several of my friends, who when they were pregnant they read lots of books about childbirth and child rearing but, after going through labor none  of them said to me, “Oh yes, pushing my eight pound baby out of my private area was a breeze because I read the book. Not to mention the sleepless nights followed by a couple years of temper tantrums. If it wasn’t for the books I would be so tired and probably feel like I wanted to drop my kid off in the desert, but thankfully those books saved me.”

I could be wrong, or I could have a bunch of friends who just didn’t read enough, but I have a feeling that the only way to prepare yourself for things like marriage, motherhood or any planned or unplanned chapter in your life is to be the best person you know how to be so that you can have the strength to deal with whatever obstacle comes your way. Combine your greatness with having a little faith in the universe or God or whatever you believe in and hopefully you’ll land on your feet or at least have a hand to pull you up when you don’t.

But really, what do I know? I feel like most of the time I am just trying to survive and not look too ridiculous or let too much get by me, all while trying to convince myself that there is a man out there for me, who won’t get under my skin so much that I don’t even know what color I am anymore (that was a joke not a racial slur.)

For now, I have decided to try my hardest to be my best. I’ve really never done that before, better late than never, right? And when the time comes for me to crack open the book on “how to find love the right way.” hopefully I’ll read it slow and realize that its not all about numbers, sometimes its just about accepting who you are.